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A
Man's Guide To Survive A Divorce (by
: Author Unknown)
There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted
upon a man than the announcement by his wife that she
wants a divorce. Even if both parties have "seen it coming"
for some time, and the announcement really comes as no
big surprise, the actual announcement is quite similar
to a bomb exploding in your face.
Such an announcement is "out-in-the-open" admission that
the person you held hands with so many years ago, and
promised to love - honor - and obey - to be supportive
of, to stand beside in good times and bad -through sickness
and health - for richer or poorer - no longer wants you
or your love. You have been rejected, and such a blow
to a man's emotional equilibrium is just about the most
damaging illness you'll ever have to face in your lifetime.
Be that as it may, it is of the utmost importance that
when such a pain descends upon you, you realize that you
can recover - that you will recover - and that this is
in reality, an opportunity for you to attain real and
total happiness according to your own standards.
It will be hard, in fact, it will probably be just about
the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life,
but you must immediately and absolutely turn the page
on that chapter of your life. You must quickly and absolutely
sever all ties with that person - the one that has inflicted
this pain upon you.
Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things that
remind you of them. Change your phone number. If necessary,
move into a new home or apartment. You must put an immediate
end to your marriage. Once a woman has announced to you
that she no longer wants you for a husband, you have to
start thinking about your own survival.
It's going to be similar to losing a vital part of your
body, but you must let go, and the sooner you do let go
- completely end that chapter of your life - the sooner
you'll be able to set about rebuilding your life and ultimately
finding the happiness you want.
Between the time that your wife announces the end of the
marriage, and the time when you'll find new happiness,
you're going to hurt like you've never dreamed possible.
You're going to go through a number of mental and emotional
phases - all of which are perfectly normal and necessary
in order for you to "heal yourself" of this great hurt.
You'll never be able to enjoy love or attain true happiness
until you have discharged the past from your system, and
healed yourself.
Think of all you're going through as a wound similar to
a gash on your arm or leg. It's going to hurt, and you're
going to bleed, but with the proper care and time, you
will recover. You must understand that divorce is quite
common - you're not alone nor going through anything that
a lot of other people haven't experienced - and that in
order to "get well," you must understand the nature of
the wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as much
about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible.
At first, you'll probably deny that this is happening
to you. You may pretend that it's just a bad dream or
some sort of bad joke she's pulling on you. This type
of thinking is normal, but it only prolongs the agony
of your hurt. You must face the reality of the situation
- accept the fact that your marriage is over - and get
on with the task of finding happiness for yourself, immediately.
You'll probably lay awake in bed at night and review "every
minute" of your marriage - thinking that in this or that
circumstance, you could've been a better husband, and
from there beg for another chance. You'll want to accept
full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt
- for the problems that caused the break-up of your marriage.
These thoughts are only natural, but they cannot put your
marriage back together, and any attempts to "try one more
time," at this stage will only cause you greater pain.
You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and
busy your mind and yourself, with activities that don't
allow you time to "rehash" the events of the past. Don't
allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings. It takes
two people to make a marriage, and marriages come apart
because of the differences in the two people involved.
No one is perfect, and happiness in life is a matter of
learning from our mistakes. Accept your own short-comings;
vow that you will profit from what you've experienced;
and then get on with your life. You'll never be comfortable
with yourself, nor find real happiness so long as you're
dragging "guilt feelings from your past around with you.
Somewhere along the way, you'll become so angry with your
ex-wife - the world - and even God, that you'll be beyond
yourself in your ability to express it all. It will be
necessary that you express this anger - to get it all
out of your system - before you'll be able to "feel good"
around women again.
Anger is the process of projecting onto another person,
your own sense of hurt and frustration. It's such a volatile
and all-consuming emotion that unless you give it an outlet,
it will literally eat you alive. The thing to do is to
understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that
will benefit you - in such a way that your expression
of it is constructive to your regaining your emotional
health.
A few things you might think about doing: Write out for
your kids, the complete story of your marriage, how you
met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the bad, the
sacrifices each of you made, and how -beyond either of
your capabilities to control - the marriage just came
to an end... Write out in precise detail what is making
you angry, and why. Put it in letter form to your ex-wife
and really tell her everything that has been, and is bothering
you... Let her know that you are a person with wants and
needs too... Stand in front of a mirror and "rehearse"
an angry confrontation with your ex-wife and/or anyone
else involved. Make an appointment with your priest or
minister; or find a friend who'll listen as you explain
the frustration, hurt and futility you feel.
Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute necessity
that you let it all out. This anger and bitterness you
feel is like a poison that you must cleanse from your
soul. The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you'll
be able to get on with your life - regain your mental
health and position yourself for happiness.
Finally, there'll come a day when you'll no longer be
bothered by thoughts of your ex-wife. It won't even bother
you when you see her with another man, and that'll be
the day when you've finally accepted the fact that you
marriage to her is really over. You will have truly let
go of her, and will be ready for a new try at real happiness.
Your progress from being rejected by your wife, to acceptance
of the fact that you don't want her if she doesn't want
you, and positioning yourself for a second chance, won't
come easily. In fact, it will take you about two and a
half to three years. You must understand the damage you've
sustained, the healing that's required, and the time it's
going to take to get well. Too often, men still in the
recovery stages of a divorce, jump into a new marriage
before they're ready. And when the "bomb explodes" the
second time, the trauma is more painful and the recovery
even harder than the first time.
It's imperative that you "cut yourself off" from you wife
as quickly as possible. It's just as imperative that you
immediately set about analyzing what it is you want out
of life, what you need to do in order to get what it is
you want, and then take the necessary steps towards achieving
whatever it is you want.
First, you have to KNOW what it is you want. Then, you
have to know what you HAVE TO DO in order to get what
it is you want. And finally, you have to START MOVING
in the necessary direction to end up with what you want.
In other words, if you don't know what you want, nor how
to get it, you'll be without purpose or direction in life.
This is ''goal-setting," and unless you set goals for
yourself, you'll just be allowing yourself to be pushed
through life by whatever happens next. Use this "terrible
time in your life" as a time for introspection and a new
start. think about yourself, and start taking the "baby-steps"
necessary to making you proud of yourself. Stop mourning
the loss of your marriage; pick yourself up, and determine
within yourself that you're on your way to bigger and
better things - total happiness and love!
Rebuilding your self-esteem - your ego and how good you
feel about yourself - is one of the first steps you must
take. There are many ways to move in this direction...
You might buy a new suit; paint the inside of your home;
take a trip to someplace you've always wanted to visit;
go to see a special movie or any number of other things.
The important thing is that you do something that makes
you feel good.
From there, comes the introspection of where you are,
and what you're going to have to do in order to survive.
Plan it all out on paper, and then do what you have to
do in order to make it come out as you've planned.
Most important - don't be afraid of making mistakes or
of "falling down" once or twice along the way. It's just
as if you were eighteen year old again, and just beginning
a life on your own. It's like when a baby learns to walk
- he's going to stumble or fall a couple of times, but
by continuing to try, he eventually not only walks but
finds he can run as well. So it is in rebuilding your
life after a divorce.
It'll be hard, but the sooner you start dating, the easier
it'll be for you to regain your emotional well being.
At first, even though you have to force yourself, you
should just go out and associate with other people. See
for yourself that other people don't "immediately recognize
you" as a divorced man - a loser, or a failure.
In the course of recovering from a painful divorce, it's
not unusual for a man to go through a number of brief
sexual affairs. With some, there's a flurry of sexual
activity - followed by periods of celibacy - and maybe
a "special steady" for awhile. This kind of activity is
really sometimes necessary, and definitely a part of the
healing process as some men rebuild their self-esteem.
Almost all people who have gone through a divorce, go
through at least one transitional partner during their
healing process. This is a person that seems to be the
answer to all your dreams - they're the "special girlfriends"
that ease a divorced man through the trauma - they're
good for them; they listen to them; they're sensitive
to their needs but never demanding; and they fulfill their
sexual hunger. It's great to "find and use" such a transitional
partner, but be aware of your own situation and their
usefulness to you, and don't allow yourself to end up
marrying them. You may care about them a great deal, and
feel sure that they're the answer to all your dreams -
that they have all the love you could ever ask for - but
don't marry them - what you're feeling is only the peace
of an oasis in the middle of a desert. And don't feel
badly when eventually you break off such a relationship.
Some people are born to nurture others back to good health,
and seeing you on your feet again, and on your way to
real happiness is the only reward these people really
want. Then too, who's to say that you won't someday be
a transitional partner for someone who's hurting just
as you once did...
Finally, there's the problems of boredom and loneliness.
In order to eliminate boredom and loneliness from your
life, you must first understand that both of these problems
are self-induced. That is, if you are bored or lonely,
it's because you are allowing yourself to be...
Boredom is generally a form of emotional anethesia brought
about by the person who is bored, because he doesn't want
to experience his own feelings. It's also a form of mental
laziness which keeps people from changing and growing.
The bottom line is simply that people are accountable
for their own boredom, and - if you feel bored, then you
had better remember that boredom breeds even more boredom.
Whenever you think of yourself as being bored, get involved
in something. Don't allow yourself to sit and do nothing.
Write letters to relatives or friends. Clean your garage
or visit a neighbor. Get out and spruce up your yard or
take a drive and see what changes have taken place in
and around the area in which you live. Join up with a
Singles social club and attend some of their functions;
enroll in a self-improvement course or two; visit a trade
show and find out about some of the new products being
offered for sale.
To alleviate boredom, you have to do something that might
stimulate your interest. Thus, if you don't want to do
anything other than what you've been doing - if you're
waiting for a bolt of lightning to spark your interest
in something - you'll continue to be bored.
Loneliness is basically a different form of boredom. A
person feels lonely when they can't think of anything
they want to do, and thus, they begin feeling sorry for
themselves because no one cares about them.
In order not to be lonely, you have to start thinking
of things you might enjoy doing with other people, and
then invite other people to join you in doing those kinds
of things. Really, it's just as simple as that - take
a trip to one of your shopping malls with a friend and
do some window-shopping; meet a friend for lunch or dinner
at a new restaurant; or invite a friend to join you to
see a move, a play, or even a concert.
So long as you shut yourself away from other people, and
do not get out into the world amongst people, you will
be lonely. To be happy, enjoy life, and know love, you
have to make yourself available to other people.
To recover from the trauma of divorce, you have to understand
the injury - apply the proper medicine - allow enough
time for the healing process to be completed - and all
the while, be positive that tomorrow will be a happier
day for you. It's a kind of recovery therapy that only
you can apply and control - the results are up to you.
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