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"How many have you been with??"

by : Kwame DeRoche

Category: Life:Relationships
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Every relationship hits that crucial point where one (or both) of you just has to ask—How many people have you been with? It's a valid question, especially with all the heebie jeebies and creepy crawlies you can catch these days.

And the head starts spinning. Your lips move slowly as you do the math in your head. Then, you open your mouth and—

LIE YOUR BUTT OFF.

If your guy tells you more than 25, subtract 10. He's trying to show off. If he says less than 5, add 10. He doesn't want you to think he's a man-whore. And for a guy, it can be argued that anything past second base counts as one, so factor that in as well. Chances are his original 15 can be whittled down to 5 eventually.

Women? They count differently altogether, as shown in Kevin Smith's 'Clerks.' Sometimes they won’t count second base. Or third. They conveniently forget meaningless hook-ups and one-night stands. Some don't even count the first time. So what do you hear when you ask her?

'Uhmmmm… 3.'

Yeah, I'm convinced that most women have been with more men than their boyfriends with women. Why? Our whole weird macho society. Every guy wants to be a stud, and no girl wants to be a slut. Besides, women have way more opportunities to get it than men. So we lie up, and they lie down (no pun intended).

Have you ever done the math? How many ex-boyfriends does she have? How long was she with them? Did she date between them? How old is she? Somehow, if she'd only had sex with three people, you start thinking she'd be a little crankier.

And what about his math? In order for him to have bedded as many women as he says, he would have had to start at 12 and stop going to school. He'd have to do them two and three at a time. (And as we all know, that's just a fantasy.) Never mind the fact that he'd just be plain exhausted.

Which means, either way, they're hiding the truth. Then, in full-on relationship panic mode, you want to know why. So your questions get harder. You start probing deeper. You go Columbo on your significant other.

You know what? Maybe it's not worth knowing. Do you know what a Pandora's box you're opening? Maybe you'll end up finding out that you're not the first guy who did the tongue thing. Or maybe you're not really the best he's ever had. You should know better than to ask something like that. If I called you up right now and asked you who gives you the best rant, you'd say me. Why? Because I put you on the spot. (But I do give good rant, right??)

Point is, why do you care? He/she's with you right now, and for a reason. Accept that. You got 'em. Don't bother trying to compete with the past. The more you dig, the more likely you are to find something. And the question is, do you want to find it?

Inevitably, once you get a number, you want names. It can get even uglier here, especially if you're acquainted with any of their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. If you can see these people in your head, then almost immediately, you're gonna picture the act. And 9 times out of 10, you're not gonna like what you see. Now you're all worked up and jealous about something that happened in some random person's dorm room back in college.

Look. It's always OK to ask. And if you're having sex with that person, you have a right to know. But don't badger the witness. Don't dig so deep you hit a water main. There's stuff you need to know, and stuff you don't want to know. Besides, most 20-somethings are in the 5-10 range. I read it in Esquire.

So you know what? Ask once. Then let it go.

Unless of course you're dating a guy named 'Long Dong Silver' or a gal named 'Christy Canyons.' Then, ask away.

That's the rant.

This is just one of 'Kwam's Rants.' Copyright 2001 Kwame DeRoché, All Rights Reserved. Want to subscribe? e-mail kwamrants-subscribe@egroups.com Read the rants on the web at: http://www.egroups.com/group/kwamrants

Kwame DeRoche may be contacted at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants Kwamster@columnist.com. Click here to view more of their articles.
Kwame is a 30-year-old Advertising/Marketing Senior Writer with a slightly skewed perception of the world. He's been writing his rants since early 1999. They're humorous brain-dumps, all about relationships, TV, movies, driving to work...you know, LIFE. And as long as humans are humans, he'll always have something to write about. See more or subscribe at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants

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