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Anger and Relationships (by Dr. Tony Fiore)
Category:
Life:Relationships
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“Dr.
Fiore,” the voice on the phone pleaded, “I need
anger management classes right away. I blew up at my girlfriend
last night and she said it’s over until I get help.”
As
Kevin recounted the first night of class, he and his girlfriend
had argued in the car over which route to take home from
a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling
and name calling.
Things
escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed
him from room to room, demanding resolution of the conflict.
He became angry, defensive and intimidating.
Frightened,
she left. Later, she left an anguished message saying
that she loved him, but couldn't deal with his angry,
hurtful outbursts. Kevin said that he normally is a very
“nice” and friendly person.
But,
on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before
the party. In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop
in criticism. He tried to reason with her, but it just
made things worse.
Finally,
as Kevin saw things, in desperation he “lost it”
and became enraged.
How
should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he
have done differently? What actions should you take in
similar situations?
Option
1: Time-out
Take
a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to
work on the issue). Take a walk. Calm yourself down. Breath
deeply. Meditate. Do something else for awhile.
New
research by John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of
Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue,
your pulse rate goes above 100 beats per minute, and you
enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological
arousal).
Once
there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve the problem.
You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory,
and judgment, greatly decline.
Taking
a time-out allows both of you to return to your normal
state of mind.
It
is neither healthy or necessary for you to explode as
a result of being provoked by your partner. Our recommendation:
Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the pressure.
Option
2: Interact differently
Many
couples like Keith and his partner develop patterns of
behavior that create miscommunication and conflict. Do
you interact in one, or more, of these ways?
*Inattention
- simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn’t.
This is also called stonewalling, or being emotionally
unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking
to your partner for long periods because you are upset
with them.
*Intimidation
- engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do
things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming,
threatening, and posturing in a threatening way.
*Manipulation
- doing or saying things to influence your partner, for
your benefit, instead of theirs.
*Hostility
- using sarcasm, put-downs, and antagonistic remarks.
Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt –
a major predictor of divorce.
*Vengeance
- the need to “get even” with your partner for
a grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional
couples “keep score,” and are constantly trying
to “pay back” each other for offenses.
*Criticism
– involves attacking someone’s personality or
character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled
with blame. Like contempt, criticism is a second major
predictor of divorce.
Option
3. Positive interactions
Start
by actually listening not only to what your partners says,
but what he or she means. Partners in conflict are not
listening to understand; rather, they listen with their
answer running because they are defensive. Unfortunately,
defensiveness is another predictor of divorce.
*Stick
to the issue at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to
do in the heat of battle. Focus and stay in the present.
*Learn
to forgive. Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at the Smalley
Relationship Center, suggests a huge relationship between
marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. As much as one-third
of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!
*Communicate
your feelings and needs. Tell your partner how you feel
about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately
offensive behavior. Use “I” statements rather
than accusatory, or “you,” statements. Learn
to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can better
understand and respond to you.
For
instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need
for emotional safety and security that is not being met;
communcating this is far more effective than lashing out
at your partner in an angry tirade.
Dr.
Tony Fiore may be contacted at http://www.angercoach.com
drtony@angercoach.com.
Click here to view more of their articles.
Dr. Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist and certified
anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach,
uses the Anderson & Anderson curriculum and provides
anger and stress management programs for the workplace,
adults, and couples. Sign-up for his free monthly newsletter
"Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com.
Dr Fiore can be reached at 800-984-4414 (within California)or
714-771-0378. Email: drtony@angercoach.com
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