Archive of Relationship Related Articles

The following article was not created by MateforMe.com and is not in any way endorsed by MateforMe.com. It is reproduced here for entertainment purposes only. Please remember that if you make use of any of the information contained in this article, you do so at your own risk.

Beware the ScarMan (by June Marshall)

Category: Life:Relationships
Authorized - NO NEED TO ASK PERMISSION BEFORE USING. Already granted to Publisher's Toolbox Subscribers.
More Details at: http://www.newmediapublishing.com/j_marshall/j_marshall.html

Through my thirty-five years of dating and marrying men, I have learned through observation that some do not make good mates or husbands. I approached the subject of dating the way an entomologist studies insects and found that the dead-end mates fell into seven categories. I wrote about them in my book, The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!

The first of the seven categories is Scarman.

He goes by different names. Some call him, "The Hurt Puppy," "The Whining Wounded," "Battle-scarred Galactica." ScarMan seems to have just gotten off a relationship and can only obsess to you about it to the exclusion of everything else. He spends the entire evening talking about: (A) How great the ex was or, (B) What a b---- she was. In both cases he completely ignores your charms, nor does he ask you much about yourself.

This also describes the ScarMen widowers. They are special cases because they usually sanctify their wives and remind you in so many ways that you could never follow that act. They inspire more sympathy than the divorced ScarMen, but they are just as impractical. If you are looking for a satisfying relationship, where you feel you are first in a man's heart, throw ScarMan back on the beach.

Stuck on Her!

In reality, his last relationship may have been ages ago, but he has not moved on yet. The most common ScarMan is the guy who was stunned when his mate left him. He didn't have a clue that she was even unhappy! By the time she told him, she had already moved on emotionally. Meanwhile, he still clings to her memory. He was clueless then and he is clueless now. How did he not notice that his ex was unhappy? Don't think you are going to be his key to enlightenment.

Too Soon!

If the breakup was recent, don't try to be the good nurse administering to his wounds. He only wants her and if his neediness melts your heart now, eventually you will be annoyed as he drones on and on about her. Clue: He thinks constantly about her and therefore he talks constantly about her. That means he is not thinking about you. You will resentfully mutter to yourself, "Hello! You are out with me. What makes you think that my idea of a good evening is talking about her all night? Get over it!"

In spite of the fact that he wants a new relationship, he is not ready for it yet. He hasn't gone through his mourning period. But he is lonely and wants a shoulder to cry on. Feel sorry for him, but move on. There is no way of telling how long it will take him to get over it. Why should you waste your time at this guessing game? If he is still interested after he has processed his grief enough, let him seek you out.

Let Go Already!

Another ScarMan variety is the veteran of a breakup or widowhood that happened a long time ago. These ScarMen act like it just happened yesterday. Don't think that you will be the one to turn them around with the charm that has worked so well with other guys. They are not open to the new. Besides, if they are widowers, their wives were saints who never did any wrong and you are in competition with Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa.

What a Bitch!

Just as unworkable as the ScarMen who idolize their exes, are the ones who spend the whole evening bad-mouthing them. Don't think that you will come out like a glowing rose in comparison. If he talks this badly about his ex, what will he say about you if it doesn't work out? Basically, it is annoying to listen to a guy go on and on about another woman whoever and whatever she was or did, especially if he is out with you.

Kevin was a good example of the "What a Bitch," variety. He told me so many stories of how treacherous and degrading his ex-wife of twenty years was to him, I finally asked him, "What quality in you allowed you to stay in such an unhappy situation for so many years? I mean, everyone is entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Spending 20 years in utter misery is not a noble thing. What was the pay-off?"

I knew that the very thing that permitted him to stay in misery and complain about it was one of the main reasons why a relationship between us was not possible. He was a passive victim who gloried in his victimization. It made such great stories! He could get sympathy that way on dates. But he didn't see how bad he was making himself look. He was showing me that he was a one of the Whining Wounded. Instead of fixing the problem, he wanted to whine about it. There are just so many ways a person can say, "Ain't that awful!"

He told me he stayed so long because he was afraid of what his ex would do to him if he left. She was such a shrew! He slept in his car some nights or just slept at the office, rather than go home and face her. Funny, he was afraid to go home and he was afraid to leave!

He finally worked up enough courage to leave her. But he had only left her, physically. He was still there with her, mentally, it was obvious. As the tedious evening wore on, he was still talking about her, to the exclusion of everything and everyone else, especially me.

EXAMPLES:

Reality Check!

My friend Estelle went on a date with a widower. She is an attractive, well-groomed world-traveler who has lived an interesting and varied life. During the entire evening he went on about his deceased wife and how no one could be as beautiful or as wonderful. He asked her nothing about herself and when she volunteered information, he glossed over it as he went on to talk more about the dearly departed. At the end of the evening he pulled out a photo of his ex: A toothless, dried up hag dressed in rags by a weathered barn.

Good Girl/Bad Girl!

My friend Carina invited me to her house for dinner. She had been married for several years. During the whole dinner her husband talked about how horrible his ex wife was. No matter what my friend did or said, it was only a point of departure for him to mention his ex. "She would never serve such a good food. She only served garbage. And she was so cheap, blah, blah ,blah. . . . " He dragged up everything rotten she did over their long marriage, ending with a long story about how she broke a promise to him and left the baby waiting at the daycare center.

Who wants to hear about someone's ex-wife all night long? We certainly did not. A few sentences here and there are all right. But Carina lacked the assertiveness to say, "That was then and this is now. Let's talk about us. Talk about our projects together. Ask our guest about herself. But don't bore us with a past that neither of us can do anything about!"

She Beat Me!

"My ex-wife used to come after me with a frying pan and beat me up on a regular basis," one ScarMan said to me across the dinner table. Over the six-course meal he regaled me with stories of the various ways he was her punching bag. His detailed account was destroying my appetite. I was beginning to picture myself practicing one of my kickboxing moves on his head too. Maybe that was the only way his ex could break through his self-absorption.

When I asked him why he put up with it for so long he said, "Because I love her and I kept hoping she'd change." He still wanted her back! She had already moved on emotionally long before she left him. But she still lived on in his memory, to the exclusion of everyone else, including me.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Difficult to Change!

It is difficult for ScarMan to change. It has to occur to him that he is a bore, stuck in the past. He must recognize that he will never be happy and he can never make another person happy if he persists with his memories. He will be a lonely man, living through his war stories and tales of The Glory Days.

He might be with you, but he is not really "with you." You might be tempted to rescue him, or think that you will be the one woman who gets his attention away from his ex. You might turn yourself inside out to find ways to make him forget. But your self-confidence will erode as you fail to compete with the past.

Tell Him!

You can talk to him about how left out and hurt his obsession makes you feel. But he has to get disgusted with himself and how he is ruining his own chances, to really change. In the meantime, you will always feel that you are anything but first in his heart and in his life. Dirty Sevens lack empathy, the ability to put themselves in your shoes, so don't expect them to understand when you tell him how bad you feel. They think you should be just as fascinated with the ex as they are. Or, they wonder, "What's her problem? It must be that time of month again! "

They don't see that they have a problem. You have a problem if you don't recognize this: If you have to tell a guy that he is talking all night long about his ex, he doesn't have the wherewithal to be a loving, giving partner to you. If you have to point out to him that he is with you and not with the ghost of his ex, he does not have the potential to be there for you. But, if it makes you feel good, as you walk out the door, let him know that he won't find much success with his next date if he continues to carry on this way.

Maybe you will be doing the next woman he dates a favor by telling him that his messy open wounds don't play well. But I doubt it, because even if he learns to discipline himself to at least look like he is interested in someone else and their life, he can't keep it up, because he really isn't.

Time: The Healer?

Time might heal his wounds, but how long do you want to wait around for the scars to fade? In the end, it is much easier to find someone else, who is emotionally free to be interested in you and your conversation; someone with the potential to love you. Unless you are so smitten with him (for some chemical reason beyond logic) that you can tolerate his absorption with the past, throw him back! Otherwise you will always feel secondary, even if he is first in your heart.

June Marshall may be contacted at http//www.newmediapublishing.com/j_marshall/j_marshall.html junemarshall@newmediapublishing.com. Click here to view more of their articles.
June Marshall is the author of The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware! This guide represents many years of real life experience by the author and numerous friends in observing, dating, being friends with, and marrying men. As a result of hundreds of encounters, mixed with observations from even more workplace and social acquaintances, a definite pattern emerges: The Dirty Seven. The Dirty Seven Sisters: Men Beware!, is forthcoming.

Copyright Usage:
none

---

Terms and Conditions