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Internet Dating: How to Be Successful & Safe (by Dr. Jackie Black)

Category: Life:Relationships
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Internet Dating is becoming a popular, legitimate and preferred way to date in 2004. From the May 2003 issue of Ladies Home Journal to the September/October 2003 issue of AARP The Magazine, to the e-mails I receive, men and women of all ages, socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, religions, careers and educational levels are talking about and, are interested in Internet Dating. People want to figure out how it works, understand the basics, stay safe and meet their ideal match!

The first thing to focus on is writing great profiles that do two things: · Get you “found” and · Get responses from people who are very close to your ideal match

Posting a photograph is the single most important factor for getting people to read your profile. Profiles with pictures are the first to be browsed. Post a current photograph.

A creative, catchy headline can separate you from the masses instantly. Be concise and to the point in the body of your profile. Keep the information simple and honest. Remember that you are trying to attract the kind of people you want to meet. Integrity is always better than stretching the truth. Let him or her know who you are from the “get-go.” Don’t waste time with people who are looking for someone you are not!

Grammar and spelling are important. Write your profile as a WORD document, run a spell check and then cut and paste it into the profile text boxes. Don’t use all capitals since this is considered shouting on the Internet. Use upper and lower case.

When you first start getting acquainted by e-mail don’t reveal any information that could allow someone to personally identify you. I’ll provide a lot of important information about Internet safety in Part Three.

When you send an e-mail either initiating contact or responding, a subject heading that stands out is very helpful. The reader can get a first impression of you even before s/he gets to the body of your e-mail. Take advantage of this opportunity to put your true self out there.

Be timely. Answer the responses or initial e-mails within three – four days. It is considered good etiquette to answer them all since people have taken the time and effort to communicate with you. If you become overwhelmed by the interest of many men or women, simply freeze your account until you can catch up and catch your breath.

Always be polite. Generally it is a good idea to avoid jokes and sarcasm. They often don’t come across as they were intended. Resist embellishing or exaggerating who you are or anything about yourself.

Don’t complain about the state of your life or bash your exes. Ask open-ended questions that invite the recipient to answer your questions with personal stories. It is safe to talk about interests, hobbies, traveling, books, movies or activities you like to do regularly. That’s how a conversation will start.

Avoid heavy or highly charged political issues or issues related to religion, abortion or the death penalty. Keep your e-mails fun, positive and upbeat. Think about each e-mail as an opportunity to get to know another new person. Be curious and interested.

Grammar and spelling are as important in your e-mails as in your personal profile. Always run your e-mail program’s spell check. If your e-mail program doesn’t have a spell check write your e-mail as a WORD document, run a spell check and then cut and paste it into the e-mail text box. Again, don’t use all capitals since this is considered shouting on the Internet. Use upper and lower case.

E-mails do the job of providing the initial way to connect with someone on the Internet. Their usefulness is limited because, unfortunately, some men and women misrepresent themselves on the Internet. They may omit important details, post old photos or even post photos of other people or make false claims.

I recommend moving to the phone after two – five e-mails. The faster you move from communicating via e-mail to the telephone, the faster you will be able to pay attention to little clues that may alert you to a potential problem. Listen for consistencies and inconsistencies in their stories, evasiveness, vagueness or ambiguity. Be alert to details changing or being omitted. Telephone conversations provide lots of rich material so you can make the decision to meet him or her in person or stop the communication altogether.

Don’t be afraid to take your time getting to know someone. Always trust your sense of the situation and that ”funny feeling” inside. If you do not feel 100% comfortable e-mailing or after you speak with someone on the telephone, DO NOT agree to meet him or her in person. Always trust yourself.

Writing a personal profile with pizzazz isn’t really difficult. It helps to start with accurate information about yourself; your goals, attitudes, beliefs, values, style, temperament, etc. Here is an exercise to get you thinking about who you are and what you need, want and expect from your ideal partner.

Grab a piece of paper and a pencil (8 ½” X 11” is a good size piece of paper to work with). Put a circle about the size of a quarter in the middle of the paper. In the center of the circle print and sign your name. Then begin to draw lines radiating out from the outer edge of the circle like spokes of a wheel. Draw at least ten lines. You can always add more. These lines represent your goals, attitudes, beliefs, etc. Here are some examples to help you create a “wheel” that will accurately reflect your authentic self:

· My Personal Vision, Life Purpose and Passion(s)

· My Beliefs and Attitudes that Most Accurately Reflect Who I Am

· My Hopes and Dreams that Have Been Realized and Not Yet Realized

· My Personal Strengths and Limits, Gifts, Skills and Talents

· My Goals for the next 6 months, one year, two, five and 10 years

· My Style, Values and Temperament

· My Career/Work Life

· My Interests and Hobbies

· My Preferences (about anything and everything)

· My Expectations of Myself as a Partner

· What My Partner Can Reasonably Expect From Me

· My Expectations & Requirements of a Partner

Name as many spokes as you can and feel free to add to the initial ten. Write a few paragraphs describing each “spoke”, with as much detail as possible. Give yourself plenty of time to do this exercise.

Now let’s gather some important information about who your ideal match is. This second exercise will help you clarify your awareness of the desirable qualities and attributes you are looking for in your ideal match.

Once again, grab a piece of paper and a pencil (8 ½” X 11” is a good size piece of paper to work with). Put a circle about the size of a quarter in the middle of the paper. In the center of the circle print “My Ideal Match” and sign your name. Then begin to draw lines radiating out from the outer edge of the circle like spokes of a wheel. Draw at least 10 lines. You can always add more. These lines represent the attitudes, beliefs, values and desirable qualities that you require in your ideal partner. Here are some examples to help you create a “wheel” that will accurately reflect your ideal partner:

· Personal Vision, Life Purpose and Passion

· Beliefs and Attitudes

· Style, Values and Temperament

· Career / Work Life

· Interests / Hobbies / Habits / Pets

· Quality of Relationship(s) with Parents, Children, Ex-partners, Co-workers

· Status of Health & Well-being

· Financially Secure / Financial Indebtedness / Self-supporting / Supporting Others / Philanthropy

· Leisure Time Preferences

· Interest in / Commitment to a Personal Development Program

· Smoker / Social Drinker or more / Recreational Drugs / In Recovery

· Religious / Spiritual / Seeker

Name as many spokes as you can and feel free to add to the initial 10. Write a few paragraphs describing each “spoke”, with as much detail as possible. Give yourself plenty of time to do this exercise.

Only you can make it happen!

http://www.DrJackieBlack.com DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com 1.888.792.6224 Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2004

This article may be re-published with appropriate attribution to the author including name, web site, email address and telephone number.

Dr. Jackie Black may be contacted at http://www.DrJackieBlack.com amythill@mchsi.com. Click here to view more of their articles.
Dr. Jackie's mission is to challenge you to explore the old beliefs, old expectations and outdated values which cause you pain; to awaken you to the new realities of relationships; to revitalize you so that you will be ready to welcome the ideal partner when he or she comes into your life; and provide tools to couples based on a contemporary model for marriage and commitment.

http://www.DrJackieBlack.com Dr. Jackie Black, Ph.D. 1.888.792.6224

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